My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding

chapter 23



It’s only when I walk into Mortsbaton Court that I realise the bottom of my dress is quite dusty now. “I’m so sorry, Lolz.” I apologise to Lara who’s actually been here waiting this entire time. “I’ve mucked everything up completely.”

“No you haven’t, darling.” She puts her hand on my bare shoulder. “Here, you’ll be needing this now.” She hands me a bridal bouquet of white roses with real pearls pined into the centre of each blossom.

Callum left with Vince when we returned and I find I don’t like being parted from him again so soon. I just want to hurry this wedding up now. It’s been a real pain in the backside these past couple of days and honestly I’m tired of arsing around.

“Wait!” Tina shouts as she runs down the corridor towards us. Panting and gasping for breath, she sets down a box of paraphernalia. “You weren’t going to walk down the aisle without at least letting me pin your hair up, were you?”

I smile at her. “No, of course not, Tina. Thank you.”

With Lara’s help I kneel and Tina whips my hair up into a quick chignon. She twirls a few solitaire pearl pieces into my blonde locks to match my bouquet. They both help me stand up again and I’m off. I push my way forcefully through the big double doors of the ceremony room.

Everyone is here. All my wedding guests stayed and waited for three hours! I have a feeling I’ll be doing a lot of apologizing at the reception this evening.

Some pleasant music starts up and I lock arms with Lara. Together we hurry down the aisle and I crash into Callum when Lara releases me. “Sorry,” I apologise to my groom. “I just don’t think anyone wants to wait any longer for me to walk down the bloody aisle. Besides, I don’t want to wait any longer to marry you.”

I kiss and kiss my fiancé on the mouth until Vince shouts out from the crowd of about twenty-five. “Save that for after the wedding vows, you two!”

“Right!” Callum steps away, embarrassed and I do the same.

“Sorry.” I mouth a whisper to everyone as we finally take our places at the proverbial alter. We aren’t getting hitched in a church, so the front of this room obviously doesn’t have an altar. It’s just a highly decorated one step raised platform we are standing on.

I’ve gone into a trance as the registrar says a few words about the ceremony. This is it. It’s finally happening. After being with my soul mate almost ten years and being engaged to him for about a year, it’s finally happening.

We’re getting married to one another.

I keep sneaking glances at Callum to find he’s peeking my way too. We smile at each other like naughty school children. How silly! We’ve been together for such a long time and now here in this moment it’s as though we’re meeting again for the first time!

Oh well. I’m just going to go with it. Whatever feelings and nervousness overcome me, I’ll embrace them. I’ve never experienced anything like this, so I might as well enjoy it while I can. Okay so some people get married more than once in their lifetimes, but I’m certainly not thinking about that right now. As far as I’m concerned, this is it, Callum is the one for me, and I for him. For now. For always.

I’ll revel in thoughts of eternity. Today is our wedding day and to me it means all the cliché’s and everything you’d expect when tying the knot. After everything that’s happened. Through all our ups and downs. This makes up for everything. Now I truly know the bliss felt and expressed by friends who have been married. I remember being a bit bored when girlfriends would relay their wedding stories to me. As I stand here today, next to my husband-to-be, I finally understand. I’m overwhelmed with emotion and I know what my friends were talking about when they gushed about true love to me.

I feel like the Princess Bride! It’s one of my favourite classic films and I’m seriously as happy as Buttercup right now.

Catching Callum’s glance again makes me giggle. I’d better stop looking at him before I burst out laughing and ruin the moment entirely! We’re like two teenagers in love, we are. We actually have been in love since our teen years, so maybe that’s what’s with all the googly eye staring and giggling. Callum and I have reverted back to our younger selves in this moment. I guess the fact that we’re finally going to be husband and wife hasn’t resulted in two grown-ups standing here side by side after all. Instead, we’re just two people in love and the looks we share with each other are honestly telling of that.

I just can’t help myself. I have to be in physical contact with my fiancé right now. Aside from attacking him and taking him on the floor this instant, I’m going to have to make due with just holding his hand. I don’t even care if that’s not what we rehearsed days ago. To hell with conforming! This is a ceremony, yes, but it’s our ceremony and I’ll bloody well do what I want to!

Callum grips my hand tightly in his when I slide my fingers into is palm.

Oh good. He’s not going to conform either. I know he can’t kiss the bride until after our marriage is official, but until we’ve said I do I want to at least try and be connected by touch to the man I love.

And really, this is all the bond we need. The meaning of a wedding day really hits home with me now. Callum and I are bound together in love, just as our hands grasp tightly to each other’s. A wedding certificate will signify that we’re a couple by law, but it’s not a true necessity of honest love and partnership.

This… I look to our entwined fingers… this is the only bond I truly need. I feel the rightness of it through the very warmth of his skin.

“If you’d like to start with your vows, Callum.” The registrar has already got to the vows bit.

Now I’m nervous. It’s all happening so fast. Hurry up! I mean, slow down! Oh bloody hell, what am I supposed to do now?

Oh. Nothing. That’s right. Callum is going first with the vow thing.

He turns to face me and I grip his hand tighter still. He’s opening his smiling lips. He’s about to enchant me with his words of devotion—

“Stop!”

A man shouts and everyone turns around in their seats. Callum and I look up towards the entrance. Standing there with his hands on his hips and his eyes practically bugging out of their sockets, is Oliver.

“I warned you people not to attend that bitch’s wedding.” He hisses his statement at points a finger directly at me.

I’m too shocked for words.

Callum has a face like thunder and the next thing I know he’s charging down the aisle headed straight for Oliver.

“You’re going to wish you never said that.” I can see Callum’s fists as he clenches and releases them repeatedly. When he reaches Oliver and is about to strike a great rumbling of floor occurs.

From behind Oliver a darkness fills the entrance as his massive robot of three full metres rolls into the room.

***



Callum backs away from Oliver and his big bot. I stand rooted to the spot not quite believing what’s happening. This is our bloody wedding. What business does Oliver have crashing our ceremony like this?

Suddenly, I’m enraged. I rush down the aisle, but someone leaps up from their seat and stops me.

It’s Kirsten. “Just wait a second, please Emily.”

I look at her, dumbfounded.

“I told you all not to come.” Oliver practically spits his words. I look up to see he looks quite angry. It doesn’t matter though, the redness of his face probably pales to my own incensed features.

“I suggest you leave while you have the opportunity.” Callum places his hand on Oliver’s chest.

The moment is tense. No one says a word. The only sounds are coming from the slight low buzz of the huge robot.

“And I suggest you step away before I’m inclined to say things that everyone here would regret.”

“Everyone?” Paige has risen from her seat.

“You as well?” Lara rises and I look at her as she questions Paige.

Something clicks in my mind and it’s as though the world around me grinds to a halt. I can see so clearly now that I’m watching my fiancé make a stance. Why didn’t I figure this out before? The robots always seemed to malfunction around me. The way everyone kept taking their bots out of my presence recently. And then… then I’d discovered Oliver’s underground robotics facility.

“I wasn’t supposed to find your secret lair, was I?” My voice rises in pitch as I lift my head and look directly at Oliver.

He scoffs in reply and pushes Callum’s hand away. “Secret lair? You’ve always had a flare for the dramatic, Emily.”

“Well it’s true!” How dare he mock me at my own wedding? Not that this farce of a day is anything like what a normal wedding should be.

Callum walks toward me as I rush forward. “Just leave it for a bit, honey. Trust me, help is on the way.”

What’s this now? “But he’s been blackmailing my friends!”

My fiancé looks surprised and his confused expression mirrors my own inner sentiments.

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” I raise my voice feeling slightly on the verge of insanity. “You’ve got something on everyone, don’t you?”

“Are you suddenly a clever girl?” Oliver smirks.

“Keep talking to my fiancée like that and—”

“It’s your robots!” I cut Callum off with shout. “You’ve been keeping an eye on everyone with your bloody bots!”

“Oh my god, Em.” Lara whispers. “You’re right.”

“You’ve been prying into my friend’s lives with robot spy cams or something!”

“Is that how you knew?” It’s Kirsten’s time for an outburst.

It’s all coming together now. Everyone is realising what I know must be true. Oliver really does have spy cameras in his robots. He gave them to everyone and has been stealing secrets from them.

I remember back to the day when I’d seen Oliver speaking with Kirsten at her Zumba class. She’d seemed so on edge. He must have been threatening her right there and then.

“That’s why you’ve all been avoiding me!” Whirling, I free myself from my fiancé’s arms. “Is that… is he the reason you all cancelled on me yesterday?” I point directly at the man with a giant robot behind him.

“You what…? Cancelled?” Callum looks stunned.

“Yes!” Oliver steps forward. “And your stupid little wedding was supposed to stay cancelled. But I guess everyone here just doesn’t value their businesses enough—”

“I value my friendship with Emily.” Lara steps up. “You have been keeping my secret, Oliver. And you know what? I don’t care anymore.”

“Neither do I.” Paige joins Lara.

Oliver looks enraged. “So you don’t care if I reveal to everyone that you—”

“Stop!” Lara shouts. “You don’t get to out me, I will.” She addresses everyone in the room as she points an accusatory finger at Oliver. “This man has been blackmailing me for months. I didn’t know how he knew about my secret, but he said that if I didn’t keep his stupid robot on at my bridal shop he’d reveal my secret and have me shut down for good.”

Everyone is listening intently to my best friend.

“Well, I don’t care anymore.” She looks sadly at me. “I’m so sorry, Em. I didn’t realise everyone else cancelled on you yesterday as well—”

“My visa is expired and I’ve been getting paid under the table!”

“Kirsten?” The girl has suddenly started shouting.

“He’s been blackmailing me too!” She points at Oliver.

“Jonty and I are swingers!” Paige has stepped into the aisle. She’s followed quickly by her husband.

At this bombshell, Tina jumps up from her chair. “I’m gay!”

Ben rises to his feet. “Nicola!” He exclaims. “I’m a stripper!”

“You are?” She replies. “Why haven’t you done a show for me?”

One by one, everyone at my wedding who owns an Oliver bot has suddenly decided to reveal their secrets. Eventually, Oliver has no one left to threaten any longer.

“This is all your fault.” He steps forward and grabs my arm.

“Take your hand off her.” Callum pushes Oliver’s shoulder.

“You bitch.” Oliver stumbles back into his massive robot. “You’ve been the cause of all my troubles from day one.”

There’s a collective gasp from the crowd in the room.

“Emily has caught you out.” Callum hisses. “You’re not getting any more funding for your robot projects from these people any more, Oliver.”

So that’s why all the secrecy. Oliver was using everyone’s secrets against them and they’ve all been paying him off so he’ll keep quiet. No wonder they’d all cancelled on me. They must have been under tremendous pressure from the git himself.

“You tried to kill me.”

“Emily?” Callum looks at me. Everyone is looking at me.

“Your robots weren’t just malfunctioning around me all those times. You programmed them to murder me.”

Oliver doesn’t even flinch at my accusations. I can’t believe I’ve said the words blackmail and murder out loud, two words I never thought I’d utter in my lifetime. This whole situation is crazy. I can’t quite believe this is happening, but it’s true. I know what I’m talking about. My life was actually threatened by this despicable man.

“You can’t prove anything.” Oliver looks like he’s about ready to snap. “Get her!” He orders his robot forward and when the thing thunders into the room I realise that I’ve made a terrible mistake.

“Why was I born?” I look up and up despondently at the massive bot. Glancing at Callum I shake my head. “This is all my fault.” I mouth to him as chaos erupts all around.

***



Screaming ensues. Lots and lots of screaming accompanied by whirling sounds of machinery.

Apparently Oliver had a surprise in store for us all. Behind his massive robot all of his little bots had been waiting. Now that the big bot has entered the room all the smaller robots have poured in behind it.

Chairs are knocked over not only by zooming, hovering bots, but by panicked wedding guests who are trying to escape the vicinity.

“Emily!” Callum screeches my name just as the giant robot latches two of its mechanical arms onto my own.

“Help! I scream as I’m lifted bodily off the floor. The skirts of my dress flip up over my head and I’m momentarily blinded by tulle and silk.

When I can see again my gaze drifts towards the open doorway. Men and women in uniform are running into the room. There are fire-fighters here too and they’re all headed straight for robots, trying to keep them away from my wedding guests.

“It’s him!” I shout at a passing officer below. “Oliver is controlling all of these robots.”

Before the police woman reaches Oliver, Callum does. From my perch high in the captive arms of a gigantic bot, I watch as my fiancé lets loose on the man who’s responsible for this madness. I’ve never seen him so heroic. I never thought I’d see the day when Callum would be punching the life out of another human being.

“Help me!” Oliver squeals. “Get him away from me.” Grunt. Callum hits home with a fist to the man’s gut and he goes down. My fiancé jumps on top of Oliver and a floor scuffle ensues.

“Look out!” Paige’s husband pushes her aside as a floating robot crashes down onto a toppled chair.

One by one all the hovering robots fall. The rolling bots have all stopped moving and suddenly I’m dropped onto my arse. I’m not hurt when I land due to all the padding this puffy dress provides.

Amidst much screaming and shoving, all twenty five of my remaining guests rush out of the room causing a brief bottleneck at the doorway. When the proverbial dust settles, I gaze around from my position within the rubble.

“I’ll save you, my love!”

What on earth? Turning, I see Thomas enter the room. “Get away from me, you twerp!” I shout.

The kid rushes to my side despite my protests.

“Oooohhh, my head.” Looking to the side I watch as a chair topples over. Beneath it lies my blonde cafe assistant Fiona. “What happened?” She groans, rubbing her head.

I guess not everyone had run screaming from the room after all.

“Who are you?” Thomas rushes over to help Fiona up. “You’re bleeding! Here! Let me help!” He leads her out of the room and I’m left sitting on my butt utterly flabbergasted. I’m grateful that the boy has suddenly turned his attentions away from me. I’ll have to deal with helping Fiona avoid his stalkery habits later. Right now I’ve got a huge mess on my hands that my confused mind can’t seem to process adequately.

I can hear shouts and screaming fading away from outside. Slowly, I reach forward and retrieve my crushed bouquet of white roses from the floor.

Somehow I just don’t think I’ll be getting married today.